On the eve of Thanksgiving, I feel I should update you on my journey this fall. The beginning of October didn’t start well. I was swamped and struggling to see the God-given gifts around me as blessings.My husband rallied around me and offered a ton of support. And, over MEA (MN fall break), God really did some heart work in me.
I realized that I was holding back from God. I was hanging on to some secrets that I didn’t think I had to give to God. I had done the bandaid fixes for years. When feeling down or drained, I would change my diet, go to bed earlier, workout, go for regular runs, update my calendar, split chores with my husband, etc. But for those were temporary fixes. It will pick me up for a season, but ultimately fail.
God said, no…stop with the distraction and desire to control. What’s keeping you from me?
So I peeled back. I confessed sins, my “go to-s”, and He responded, “Keep going.” What? Huh…so at the root of judging others and desire to control, what’s there?
I peeled back some more. Prayed more. And God revealed to me that at the base of all of that is fear. Fear of worthlessness and ineffectiveness. Professionally and as a parent I fear being ineffective. And personally I fear being viewed as worthless by anyone. God let me rest there then, and just held me. There was little talking, but a lot of peace and healing. Being honest with myself and Him about these fears was the first time I felt light in a long time. Now I personally have been in the depths of depression when I was in high school, but through counseling and a short time with medication, I have built coping skills. However, these coping skills have distracted me from truly getting to the root of these fears that have just kept building. Life experiences distracted me too. There have been enough changes in my life the last 10-12 years that kept being the cause or reason for frustrated or stress.
So resting in my identify in God first, is where I’m at. I’m studying the word and reading “Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown. I bought the book back in June, but I’m glad I’m reading it after this process with God. However, it is totally walking me through some of my thoughts and identifying insecurities. I am grateful to read it with my faith lens.
So it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I’m so grateful. I see the gifts around me: my beautiful children, loving husband, energetic learners in the classroom, warm home, and so much more!
I am grateful…and I feel my blessings again! Cheers!