I joined a small group at our church for the first time in the four years we’ve been attending. The group is studying Timothy and members are all women in their 20s and 30s. Some are single, others married, and others have 1 or more children. The first small group most of us were able to meet, and I knew three of the 10 women. I was excited to meet some new women from church. I found out at the first meeting that we would take turns hosting, and the next meeting would be in the neighboring town at M’s home. M is a sweet woman. She is a first grade teacher, so I immediately felt connected since we are both teachers. She’s single and I believe under 30.
The night of the 2nd meeting came and I arrived with having taken only one wrong turn. M buzzed me and another member of the group in to her apartment building and waved us down to her door. I walked through her door and was struck by the warm lighting, fall decor, candles with autumn scents, and tidiness. Everything had a place, and everything was in its place. Her towel hanging from the oven was fall themed, her entertainment center had leaves, pumpkins, and brown tone plaques. Hanging over her fireplace was an autumn blessings banner on burlap. She had fresh pumpkin muffins with optional whipped topping, trail mix, and apple juice in mason jars. Seriously! So adorable! I walked over to her empty kitchen counter, gently laid my hand upon the edge and thought to myself with a sigh, “I remember living alone.”
In that moment, I longed to rewind to those “simpler” times. I was totally overwhelmed by my current status, and couldn’t see and feel the joy that was present in my household. On paper I have no reason to complain, which perpetuated the guilt I was feeling. Here’s me on paper:
- Teaching elementary since 2006, my 10th year in the same school district.
- I’m married to Josh since 2008, supportive and loving husband.
- 4 year old son, Caleb.
- 19 month old b/g twins, Mollie and William.
- Fabulous home daycare provider who is like a member of the family.
- Live in a great neighborhood.
- Own our home.
- Most recently 1 of 11 nominees nominated for Teacher of the Year in our school district of 650+ teachers.
What do I have to complain about?! However, the state of my heart has been such that I look at these blessings and only see them as burdens/responsibilities. To be honest, I have it all, and want none of it.
Now you might be thinking, “Geez! She’s depressed.” And I would agree with you, except that I have hope. I am in the process of talking to God about all of this, and He is showing me some amazing insights and offering healing. My husband and parents are supportive in thought, word, and deed. I’m working on simplifying the outer stressors while God is working on healing my heart. We’re working out some insecurities and sins I have buried deep and hidden for a long time. This will be tough work for awhile, but I am relieved that my God is faithful and loving.
Have you felt God’s blessings turning to burdens? Have you prayed about it?